You are so beautiful to me..

The last few days I've been very immersed in thinking about the past... most people and things I wish I had done differently. Funny.. someone told me that I don't seem like I have any regrets, yet here I am. I guess it's not so much that I regret the way things happened.. but more of a I wonder what would've happened thing.

There is this wonderful guy who I know had feelings for me, and I for him.. but I let him slip away because I was too damn shallow to see what I could've had. He's everything that I want in a significant other. Awesome sense of humor, nerdy, talks about off the wall things, actually has interest in me other than sexual, remembers every little thing, and he's a good friend. I'm very grateful that I have him.. but sometimes I get a little sad thinking of what could've been. I don't regret the way things are... but I wonder what if sometimes.

I think about the idiot from time to time as well. Sometimes when I've gotten to talking to friends about their relationships and such and thinking how most people I know have someone special... I miss him. Not the guy that ya'll love to hate.. the one you hear all the bad things about. I miss the one who when times were good would hold me.. the one I could go to the beach with and we'd sit in silence and watch the ocean... the one who'd go on drives with me.. the one who knew that my favorite color was purple.. the one who for Christmas one year bought me an ID bracelet with my name on it... the way he smelled like an autoshop when he came home from work.. the way he liked to watch chick flicks.. how we could never agree on what kind of pizza to get but he'd give in and get the one I like.. the one who when times were good, they were really really good and we could make each other smile. I miss that.. and sometimes I wonder if I will find someone that will make me truly happy and that I can make truly happy.

I miss my old friends from high school.. I should've kept in touch better.

Most currently I am missing a good friend that I considered one of my better friends. I miss her.. and I hope that someday things can get back to where they were before. I think about her quite a bit and wonder if I should've handled things differently.

I miss logging into Yahoo IM in the morning and having a ton of friends on to chat with.

I miss him.. even though he decided to let me go. I wonder if he misses me too.

Lots of things I miss now-a-days.. it's making me feel rather blue. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that dad's six month anniversary is coming up and it's got me thinking a lot about life... and how I need to live it more instead of just letting it pass me by.

I just wish I had the courage to tell people how I feel about them...

Never say goodbye..

This may be a long and emotional blog..just to give you the heads up.

Today marked 5 months that dad has been gone. I think that as insane as my family drives me, that without each other we would all be lost. I've always joked that mom was our rock in shining armour wearing rose colored glasses. When dad's cancer was first discovered it literally left me breathless... how could that happen to such a great man? Why? I was angry.. still am, but less than before. Mom and dad were strong for us kids.. they didn't give up hope. Each time the cancer came back it was another blow.. and no matter what they were strong for us.. they never gave up hope or let us give up hope... they made us hold on to the little bit of hope we had. After dad passed mom has been there for us. She doesn't like people to see her cry so she tries not to in front of us. We understand that a lot of things are going to be different. People tell us it's good to see mom not grieving.. not grieving, because she hasn't gone into seclusion and given up on life? Dad loved life.. he fought hard.. damned hard to live. He went through painful procedures where most people would have given up. In the end the doctors decided not to let him fight anymore and took away his options. On February 17th dad went to the emergency room due to a bad bleed out.. they told my mom it was a matter of months.. on March 8th he passed away. We didn't get months, we got days.. and we tried to make the most of them, but as anyone who's lost a loved one can tell you no matter how hard you try it's never enough. He fought cancer for six long years.. he was on a feeding tube the last year of his life, he couldn't eat or drink.. he was without a voice the last year of his life.. he had a speaking box, and we've saved all his jokes he had programed into it.

I guess I'm feeling a little bit sad and angry today. I miss my dad like crazy and it seems like the day for pity parties. I've tried to put on a brave and happy face and deal with it.. but sometimes it gets to be too much. I think there is only one person I haven't snapped at today that did the "poor me" thing.

Yesterday was interesting. I got beat up by Blizzard. Lots of bruises and my head is sore, but I'll live. I will tell you this though.. there ain't NOTHING in the world that will make you realize what you have, than watching your life flash before your eyes and wondering if you'll get to see your loved ones again. I don't know how to explain it.. but after that there was this weird sense of calm that came over me. Perhaps things in life aren't as bad as the seem.. and from now on I am going to strive to be more positive for myself.. I'm already positive for others.

So I leave you with this little poem..

Words of Wisdom (dedicated to Dad 10/11/1944 - 03/08/2007 for all the wise words he bestowed on me)

I want to catch your tears in a bucket, and water my garden.. when the flowers bloomed, I'd think of you in a much happier way.
Though the roads may be rough, they don't always stay that way. Cherish the smooth ride, and when the bumps happen know they don't last forever.
Love those in your life, and hold them close..you never know when you'll need them. Never burn bridges that you may one day want to cross over.
Learn to ask for forgiveness and to forgive.. but never forget, the past can't be undone.. but the future is not set in stone.
Learn to accept that others have flaws, but also that you are flawed as well.. nobody is perfect.
Seek out wisdom, and learn from it.
Cry never fixed anything.. but it does help the soul.
Words left unspoken will never be heard.
Live your life to the fullest, you only get one time to go around.

In the end it doesn't even matter...

Life is like a piano. What you get out of it depends on how well you play it. - Unknown

Too many people in this day and age are spoiled and think that things should come to them regardless of how little they put into life. It's all about how much money people have and what they can buy. People are to wrapped up in the small amount of happiness that material things can buy that they often forget about the happiness in life that doesn't come from material things.

Family. While there are people who don't have the privilege of having a close family.. there are those who have family but tend to let them fall by the side. In San Diego we really didn't spend a whole lot of time together.. we all had our own things going on and what not.. we did spend some time together though. Here in Colorado it's different.. we spend a lot of time together working in the yard, doing projects around the house, taking care of the animals, and just sitting outside on the porch watching the sunset. It's strange how these little things can make a world of difference.. but I feel blessed since all this enabled me to spend more time with my dad. And it also has helped bring me closer to the kids. I was close to them before.. but now it's like a whole new side of them I've seen. I wouldn't trade all the hardships we've had here for anything in the world.

Friends. True friends will tell you the truth even if it hurts... they'll have your back even if they don't agree with you.. they'll love you regardless of mistakes you make.. and they will always be there for you when you need them. I hate when people tell me about their friends and they are always trying to buy people's affection. True friends can't be bought.. and the ones that can be bought aren't worth the time, effort, and money.

Love. Many people look for love... and they're in such a hurry to find it that they accept the first person that falls in their path. It's a shame that so many people haven't experienced love but rather mistake lust for love. If they would take the time to find love, they might be happier.

Happiness. If you an unable to be happy without someone in your life, than perhaps you should work on that rather than trying to find someone. It's not fair to depend on someone else to make you happy. I'm not talking "oh look, I got this shirt on sale" kind of happy.. I'm talking about the "yeah life may not be what I want it to be, but at least I'm living and can do things to change it" happy.

Cutting this short for today.. I'm tired as heck and I'm going to go to bed.