I've been thinking a lot about friendship the last few days and having rather lengthy discussions with my favorite thinker over it.
To me friendships are forever.. if someone chooses to sever the relationship and walk away, that is their choice.. but unlike other people who would turn around and walk the other way if their friend did that.. I always have my arms open for people I consider my friend. You can hurt me deeply, walk all over me, make me cry.. but I'll still be there. Once I've let someone in my heart.. it's a permanent thing. I don't know HOW to let go, even when I should.. but that's part of what makes me different from most people.. and I'm ok with that.
Hate is another thing we've been discussing. Hate is a very powerful emotion.. it can eat at you until you're barely able to feel anything aside from it. Hate makes people do strange things.. it makes them become cruel and vicious when they normally aren't... it makes people forget that there is good in everyone.. and it makes people do things they regret. Everyone hates.. it's just a matter of deciding what you want to hate.. and what you're willing to just shrug off. I'm not saying you can't dislike other people.. I'm saying that instead of hating someone why not just move on from them and stop letting them have an effect on your life.. hating them gives them the satisfaction of knowing that no matter what you do, they are going to be a festering wound in your side.. let it heal.
Everyone has regrets.. sometimes they are big regrets and sometimes they are small. You have to make a choice of what you want to regret in life.. are you confident enough in your choices that they aren't going to come back and haunt you in the future? Not many people are.. there is always that doubt in the back of their mind. Should've, would've, could've.. don't let those things run your life. Make your regrets small.. and keep them that way.
Life is to short to live it in misery and grudges.. remember, you never get promised tomorrow. It's never a guarantee that you will wake up the next morning and be able to fix the things you want to fix.
To my friends.. I love you, I would hope that each and every one of you already know this. You can never hear I love you, or say I love you enough.. cherish those you do, and those who do you.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Saturday, November 17, 2007
Into the deep...
I intended to post a deep one closer to Thanksgiving.. but since I'm thinking of it now, I'll go ahead and do it now instead of waiting.
Tonight we went to a tree lighting ceremony that Hospice puts on here every year.. they do a butterfly release in Summer and a tree lighting around Thanksgiving. We went to the butterfly one, it was a beautiful ceremony.. thought provoking and very emotional. When you first get there you give them your loved one's name (names) that have passed on, and they read them.. they also have a singer or choirs (the butterfly one had a singer, this one had choirs) that sing sentimental songs.. the butterfly one was "Somewhere over the Rainbow" and tonight's was "Love Heals".
Tonight's proved to be no different..it was thought provoking and emotional. The Chaplain read an essay that Christine Cleary had written.. it's titled "The Deeper Well of Memory", this part really hit home. "I believe there is a difference between memory and remembering. Remembering has to do with turning the oven off before leaving the house, but memory is nurtured by emotion. It springs from a deeper well, safe from dementia and the passage of time. "
You can find the entire essay here:
http://thisibelieve.org/offsite_links.php?link=http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=4538138
While they were reading the names off I heard someone crying behind us... I wasn't the only one who heard the crying as other people were looking around. One of the Hospice volunteers comforted this woman. I was ok until I heard her cry.. my heart broke for her. She had nobody with her.. was she this alone in the world since her loved one passed on? Does she not have friends or family? Maybe she wanted to be there alone.. maybe she didn't want to share her grief with her living loved ones. I don't know. I sincerely hope that she finds some peace in her life.
Now on to the thankful part of this blog.
Every year I do one of these type of things, usually on one of the boards I am on.. but this year I decided to do it in my blog. I make a small list of the people who have had some sort of affect on my life and write why I'm thankful for them. *If I don't put your name, it's not a slap in the face.. it's just that if I thanked everyone this post would be a million pages long.. so don't take offense, I am grateful for everyone in my life*
I am thankful for the years I got to spend with my dad. There are many people who don't have that opportunity and/or don't get along with their fathers.. and I am truly blessed to have had my dad.
I am thankful for my mom.. although we don't always see eye to eye and sometimes I grumble about her, she is my rock.
I am thankful for Jimmy and Rose.. they are my reason for living.
I am thankful for my sisters and my nana. They drive me insane, but at the same time we all need each other.. it's the smiles, laughter, and tears that makes me thankful for them.
I am thankful for Rich, he's been around for most of my life and through the ups and downs we have managed to maintain some sort of goofy friendship that is fueled by silly videos, jokes, and lots of computer talk (on his part.. sometimes I actually learn something new from him in those talks). I admire his strengths and the fact that he is striving to better his life for himself, and not for anyone else.
I am thankful for Jason, because through all the years he's been a constant. I know that if I really want to hear the truth, that I can ask him and he'll give me a no nonsense answer.
I am thankful for Brent.. we had a long time without contact, but it feels like it was just days and not years. He makes me smile with his Jeff Dunham addiction and his self proclaimed innocence... and the memories of Hobie and waterbeds.
I am thankful for Justin.. he's the biggest nerd I know and by far one of the best conversationalists (e-mailists?). He's a wealth of knowledge, has good taste in books, and always has some sort of quote or saying to go with every situation. I have learned a good bit from him about everything from hunting, guns, grades, pipes, and hillbilly stuff. :D
I am thankful for James... through the ups and downs and loopy de loops it's been an interesting ride. It's an addiction.. what can I say? Thanks for warming my heart. *SPORK*
Jamie, Autum, Twin, JamieAnne, Tish, SN, Larry, Amanda, Barbie, Preacher, John, POM, Wolfie.. the ones I talk/talked to the most from Myspace (well.. with the exception of the one above) I am thankful for ya'll.. I've learned quite a bit from all of you. The ups and downs and ins and outs of friendships.. the give and take.. the push comes to shove. Here's to the good and the bad.. cheers.
I am thankful for Deb.. she's like my second mom. She makes the most sense, even when she's not making sense (and that will make sense to her!).
I am thankful for JenS and her kids.. she's full of advice, some of which I take and they can make me smile. But Moooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooom! :)
I am thankful for JJ.. we did our time together, maybe someday things will be the same.
I am thankful for Travis.. yes, I am thankful for my ex. I know people are supposed to be all bitter and hateful towards their ex's (or at least that's what it seems like in today's world) but we've been able to put all that aside and still maintain some sort of friendship.
Last but not least.. I am thankful for all the people in my life, they make the world a nicer place.
Tonight we went to a tree lighting ceremony that Hospice puts on here every year.. they do a butterfly release in Summer and a tree lighting around Thanksgiving. We went to the butterfly one, it was a beautiful ceremony.. thought provoking and very emotional. When you first get there you give them your loved one's name (names) that have passed on, and they read them.. they also have a singer or choirs (the butterfly one had a singer, this one had choirs) that sing sentimental songs.. the butterfly one was "Somewhere over the Rainbow" and tonight's was "Love Heals".
Tonight's proved to be no different..it was thought provoking and emotional. The Chaplain read an essay that Christine Cleary had written.. it's titled "The Deeper Well of Memory", this part really hit home. "I believe there is a difference between memory and remembering. Remembering has to do with turning the oven off before leaving the house, but memory is nurtured by emotion. It springs from a deeper well, safe from dementia and the passage of time. "
You can find the entire essay here:
http://thisibelieve.org/offsite_links.php?link=http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=4538138
While they were reading the names off I heard someone crying behind us... I wasn't the only one who heard the crying as other people were looking around. One of the Hospice volunteers comforted this woman. I was ok until I heard her cry.. my heart broke for her. She had nobody with her.. was she this alone in the world since her loved one passed on? Does she not have friends or family? Maybe she wanted to be there alone.. maybe she didn't want to share her grief with her living loved ones. I don't know. I sincerely hope that she finds some peace in her life.
Now on to the thankful part of this blog.
Every year I do one of these type of things, usually on one of the boards I am on.. but this year I decided to do it in my blog. I make a small list of the people who have had some sort of affect on my life and write why I'm thankful for them. *If I don't put your name, it's not a slap in the face.. it's just that if I thanked everyone this post would be a million pages long.. so don't take offense, I am grateful for everyone in my life*
I am thankful for the years I got to spend with my dad. There are many people who don't have that opportunity and/or don't get along with their fathers.. and I am truly blessed to have had my dad.
I am thankful for my mom.. although we don't always see eye to eye and sometimes I grumble about her, she is my rock.
I am thankful for Jimmy and Rose.. they are my reason for living.
I am thankful for my sisters and my nana. They drive me insane, but at the same time we all need each other.. it's the smiles, laughter, and tears that makes me thankful for them.
I am thankful for Rich, he's been around for most of my life and through the ups and downs we have managed to maintain some sort of goofy friendship that is fueled by silly videos, jokes, and lots of computer talk (on his part.. sometimes I actually learn something new from him in those talks). I admire his strengths and the fact that he is striving to better his life for himself, and not for anyone else.
I am thankful for Jason, because through all the years he's been a constant. I know that if I really want to hear the truth, that I can ask him and he'll give me a no nonsense answer.
I am thankful for Brent.. we had a long time without contact, but it feels like it was just days and not years. He makes me smile with his Jeff Dunham addiction and his self proclaimed innocence... and the memories of Hobie and waterbeds.
I am thankful for Justin.. he's the biggest nerd I know and by far one of the best conversationalists (e-mailists?). He's a wealth of knowledge, has good taste in books, and always has some sort of quote or saying to go with every situation. I have learned a good bit from him about everything from hunting, guns, grades, pipes, and hillbilly stuff. :D
I am thankful for James... through the ups and downs and loopy de loops it's been an interesting ride. It's an addiction.. what can I say? Thanks for warming my heart. *SPORK*
Jamie, Autum, Twin, JamieAnne, Tish, SN, Larry, Amanda, Barbie, Preacher, John, POM, Wolfie.. the ones I talk/talked to the most from Myspace (well.. with the exception of the one above) I am thankful for ya'll.. I've learned quite a bit from all of you. The ups and downs and ins and outs of friendships.. the give and take.. the push comes to shove. Here's to the good and the bad.. cheers.
I am thankful for Deb.. she's like my second mom. She makes the most sense, even when she's not making sense (and that will make sense to her!).
I am thankful for JenS and her kids.. she's full of advice, some of which I take and they can make me smile. But Moooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooom! :)
I am thankful for JJ.. we did our time together, maybe someday things will be the same.
I am thankful for Travis.. yes, I am thankful for my ex. I know people are supposed to be all bitter and hateful towards their ex's (or at least that's what it seems like in today's world) but we've been able to put all that aside and still maintain some sort of friendship.
Last but not least.. I am thankful for all the people in my life, they make the world a nicer place.
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
This post is dedicated to my dad..
Dear Dad,
By the time I get all my thoughts out into words.. you'll have been gone for eight months. Life has been different without you.. in a lot of ways it feels like you're still here though. I think you'd be proud of how far we've all come since your passing. The Twidgets are amazing.. I think of all the people in the world that I know, they are the strongest. They haven't had an easy road.. watching everything that happened to you those years and then losing you. 'Course.. they have me, mom, Jen, and Star too.. and that helps. Mom and I are keeping each other laughing.. we laugh until we cry and can't stop laughing just about every day. We also try to keep busy.. gotten a lot done around the house and in the yard. The next big project for after snow season is building a roof between the house and the garage.. the screen room was nice, but it wouldn't have stood up to the snow and wind so we opted to build something permanent. Hopefully since we have more experience building things now it'll look better than the ghetto screen door we made for the barn.
I've learned quite a bit about people since you passed.. sometimes the hard way, but you once told me something like the hard lessons in life are the ones you remember the most. I often wonder if people even bother to look and see the real me, or if they just see what they want to see. I guess it's not really important.. if they can't open their eyes and see past what they want to see, then there isn't anything I can do about it right? Been a lot of people this year who are like that.. and.. sometimes I need to open my eyes more about people as well. People are kind of funny.. one day it's good, the next it's not.. and you have to wonder what the hell is going on. If you ask outright they get pissed, if you don't they get pissed.. it's a lose-lose situation. *sigh* I guess that's human nature.
I think you would get a kick out of the donkeys we adopted. One of them looks like Eeyore.. remember how I always wanted a donkey growing up? I have two now. I absolutely adore them.. they've both got so much personality.
A friend suggested that I look into grief support groups.. I took her advice and joined a couple of them. It's been interesting seeing the stories others share. I haven't quite gotten past introducing myself to them. It's hard for me to put into words what I want to say.. funny as hell isn't it.. me at a loss for words! I think part of the reluctance is that I hate having to go over and over and over and over again about your battle and death. It still hurts.
Oh yeah.. HAPPY BIRTHDAY DADDY! I know it's two days early, but who cares.
Love you.. miss you,
Me
By the time I get all my thoughts out into words.. you'll have been gone for eight months. Life has been different without you.. in a lot of ways it feels like you're still here though. I think you'd be proud of how far we've all come since your passing. The Twidgets are amazing.. I think of all the people in the world that I know, they are the strongest. They haven't had an easy road.. watching everything that happened to you those years and then losing you. 'Course.. they have me, mom, Jen, and Star too.. and that helps. Mom and I are keeping each other laughing.. we laugh until we cry and can't stop laughing just about every day. We also try to keep busy.. gotten a lot done around the house and in the yard. The next big project for after snow season is building a roof between the house and the garage.. the screen room was nice, but it wouldn't have stood up to the snow and wind so we opted to build something permanent. Hopefully since we have more experience building things now it'll look better than the ghetto screen door we made for the barn.
I've learned quite a bit about people since you passed.. sometimes the hard way, but you once told me something like the hard lessons in life are the ones you remember the most. I often wonder if people even bother to look and see the real me, or if they just see what they want to see. I guess it's not really important.. if they can't open their eyes and see past what they want to see, then there isn't anything I can do about it right? Been a lot of people this year who are like that.. and.. sometimes I need to open my eyes more about people as well. People are kind of funny.. one day it's good, the next it's not.. and you have to wonder what the hell is going on. If you ask outright they get pissed, if you don't they get pissed.. it's a lose-lose situation. *sigh* I guess that's human nature.
I think you would get a kick out of the donkeys we adopted. One of them looks like Eeyore.. remember how I always wanted a donkey growing up? I have two now. I absolutely adore them.. they've both got so much personality.
A friend suggested that I look into grief support groups.. I took her advice and joined a couple of them. It's been interesting seeing the stories others share. I haven't quite gotten past introducing myself to them. It's hard for me to put into words what I want to say.. funny as hell isn't it.. me at a loss for words! I think part of the reluctance is that I hate having to go over and over and over and over again about your battle and death. It still hurts.
Oh yeah.. HAPPY BIRTHDAY DADDY! I know it's two days early, but who cares.
Love you.. miss you,
Me
Friday, November 2, 2007
A message for Anon
I posted a blog back in June about parents who don't spend time with their children and some coward posted anon that they found it funny I would talk about that.
1. I bet you didn't think I'd publish that post
2. I bet you didn't think I'd ever address it
Here's the thing Ms. Anon, you may think you know quite a bit about my family life, the twidgets, and so forth.. but the reality is you know very little about it. Your words don't hurt me.. it's like a little kid throwing tiny pebbles at a brick wall, no damage done.. but I'm sure you'll keep tossing those pebbles trying to make something happen.
If you want to respond to this, by all means.. do so. However I will not be publishing anymore anon messages. If you have something to say to me, have the guts to use your name.
1. I bet you didn't think I'd publish that post
2. I bet you didn't think I'd ever address it
Here's the thing Ms. Anon, you may think you know quite a bit about my family life, the twidgets, and so forth.. but the reality is you know very little about it. Your words don't hurt me.. it's like a little kid throwing tiny pebbles at a brick wall, no damage done.. but I'm sure you'll keep tossing those pebbles trying to make something happen.
If you want to respond to this, by all means.. do so. However I will not be publishing anymore anon messages. If you have something to say to me, have the guts to use your name.
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