Never say goodbye..

This may be a long and emotional blog..just to give you the heads up.

Today marked 5 months that dad has been gone. I think that as insane as my family drives me, that without each other we would all be lost. I've always joked that mom was our rock in shining armour wearing rose colored glasses. When dad's cancer was first discovered it literally left me breathless... how could that happen to such a great man? Why? I was angry.. still am, but less than before. Mom and dad were strong for us kids.. they didn't give up hope. Each time the cancer came back it was another blow.. and no matter what they were strong for us.. they never gave up hope or let us give up hope... they made us hold on to the little bit of hope we had. After dad passed mom has been there for us. She doesn't like people to see her cry so she tries not to in front of us. We understand that a lot of things are going to be different. People tell us it's good to see mom not grieving.. not grieving, because she hasn't gone into seclusion and given up on life? Dad loved life.. he fought hard.. damned hard to live. He went through painful procedures where most people would have given up. In the end the doctors decided not to let him fight anymore and took away his options. On February 17th dad went to the emergency room due to a bad bleed out.. they told my mom it was a matter of months.. on March 8th he passed away. We didn't get months, we got days.. and we tried to make the most of them, but as anyone who's lost a loved one can tell you no matter how hard you try it's never enough. He fought cancer for six long years.. he was on a feeding tube the last year of his life, he couldn't eat or drink.. he was without a voice the last year of his life.. he had a speaking box, and we've saved all his jokes he had programed into it.

I guess I'm feeling a little bit sad and angry today. I miss my dad like crazy and it seems like the day for pity parties. I've tried to put on a brave and happy face and deal with it.. but sometimes it gets to be too much. I think there is only one person I haven't snapped at today that did the "poor me" thing.

Yesterday was interesting. I got beat up by Blizzard. Lots of bruises and my head is sore, but I'll live. I will tell you this though.. there ain't NOTHING in the world that will make you realize what you have, than watching your life flash before your eyes and wondering if you'll get to see your loved ones again. I don't know how to explain it.. but after that there was this weird sense of calm that came over me. Perhaps things in life aren't as bad as the seem.. and from now on I am going to strive to be more positive for myself.. I'm already positive for others.

So I leave you with this little poem..

Words of Wisdom (dedicated to Dad 10/11/1944 - 03/08/2007 for all the wise words he bestowed on me)

I want to catch your tears in a bucket, and water my garden.. when the flowers bloomed, I'd think of you in a much happier way.
Though the roads may be rough, they don't always stay that way. Cherish the smooth ride, and when the bumps happen know they don't last forever.
Love those in your life, and hold them close..you never know when you'll need them. Never burn bridges that you may one day want to cross over.
Learn to ask for forgiveness and to forgive.. but never forget, the past can't be undone.. but the future is not set in stone.
Learn to accept that others have flaws, but also that you are flawed as well.. nobody is perfect.
Seek out wisdom, and learn from it.
Cry never fixed anything.. but it does help the soul.
Words left unspoken will never be heard.
Live your life to the fullest, you only get one time to go around.