You are so beautiful to me..

The last few days I've been very immersed in thinking about the past... most people and things I wish I had done differently. Funny.. someone told me that I don't seem like I have any regrets, yet here I am. I guess it's not so much that I regret the way things happened.. but more of a I wonder what would've happened thing.

There is this wonderful guy who I know had feelings for me, and I for him.. but I let him slip away because I was too damn shallow to see what I could've had. He's everything that I want in a significant other. Awesome sense of humor, nerdy, talks about off the wall things, actually has interest in me other than sexual, remembers every little thing, and he's a good friend. I'm very grateful that I have him.. but sometimes I get a little sad thinking of what could've been. I don't regret the way things are... but I wonder what if sometimes.

I think about the idiot from time to time as well. Sometimes when I've gotten to talking to friends about their relationships and such and thinking how most people I know have someone special... I miss him. Not the guy that ya'll love to hate.. the one you hear all the bad things about. I miss the one who when times were good would hold me.. the one I could go to the beach with and we'd sit in silence and watch the ocean... the one who'd go on drives with me.. the one who knew that my favorite color was purple.. the one who for Christmas one year bought me an ID bracelet with my name on it... the way he smelled like an autoshop when he came home from work.. the way he liked to watch chick flicks.. how we could never agree on what kind of pizza to get but he'd give in and get the one I like.. the one who when times were good, they were really really good and we could make each other smile. I miss that.. and sometimes I wonder if I will find someone that will make me truly happy and that I can make truly happy.

I miss my old friends from high school.. I should've kept in touch better.

Most currently I am missing a good friend that I considered one of my better friends. I miss her.. and I hope that someday things can get back to where they were before. I think about her quite a bit and wonder if I should've handled things differently.

I miss logging into Yahoo IM in the morning and having a ton of friends on to chat with.

I miss him.. even though he decided to let me go. I wonder if he misses me too.

Lots of things I miss now-a-days.. it's making me feel rather blue. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that dad's six month anniversary is coming up and it's got me thinking a lot about life... and how I need to live it more instead of just letting it pass me by.

I just wish I had the courage to tell people how I feel about them...