All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth..

People keep asking me what I want for Christmas.. and I never have a really good answer, apparently love and world peace is beyond reach. :P

I came up with THE best idea for a Christmas present.. or hell, ANY present for me. Music. Now before ya'll run out and buy me cd's and what not.. here's the catch. I don't want a cd or gift card to I-tunes or whatever.. I want you to MAKE me a cd. Yep, I want YOU to make ME a cd. Sounds simple right? Just to make it so you have to put a little more thought in it.. here's a list of songs I want from you.
1. A song that reminds you of me
2. Your favorite song
3. A song that reminds you of high school
4. A love song
5. A song that inspires you
6. A silly song or song that makes you smile
7. A song that you're not overly fond of, but you have because it was on a CD with a song that you liked
8. A song with a political message
9. An obscure song that nobody has ever heard of
10. A song that mentions a color in it
11. A song with the letter X somewhere in the title
12. A song you think that I'd like
13. A song with my name, your name, or a name of a close friend of ours in it
14. An Elvis song
15. A song you randomly selected from your music player

Not to hard right? Tell you what.. you make me a cd, and I'll make you a cd and we'll see what we come up with. :) Could be fun.. 'cause you know there will have to be some explaining on alot of the songs that are come up with! :)

Just an idea ya' know? Music makes my world go 'round... and what better way to get exposed to new and different music?

No title today..

Today would have been mom and dad's 38th anniversary.. we celebrated it because mom still feels very much married. In all my life, I've seen some pretty impressive love stories.. but none of them have given me as much faith in love as that of my parents. Mom always tells us about how her and dad met at church.. she was 13 and he was going on 20, she fell in love with him the second they met. They didn't start dating until she was 17, and they got married a few months later. December 6, 1969.. they were married in a chapel at NTC in San Diego. Seeing them together was amazing.. they still held hands when they walked and they gave each other kisses often. I know often times people say you can see the emotions between people.. well, you could definitely see the love between my parents.

When dad got sick, he fought hard.. and so did mom. She stayed by his side and made sure that he was taken care of.. I remember once when dad went into the hospital for surgery the June before he passed away, the nurses were short staffed and they kind of ignored dad.. he had already been on a feeding tube for a year so he had a liquid diet. The nurses gave him two Ensures (he had six of those a day) in a 12 hour period.. mom asked why they weren't giving him more and they didn't have a suitable answer.. she called the nutritionist and dad's primary doctor.. they got the ball rolling, not only did those nurses bring him his food whenever he wanted, but they let mom feed him after that. The last few months were bad.. the bone in dad's jaw had died and you could smell it rotting away. His doctor made a comment about it and that set mom off. No way was someone going to give dad a bad time when he was fighting so hard and couldn't help things that happened ya' know?

So December 8th will be nine months that dad has been gone. Today I weep not for myself and the fact I miss him, but because one of the greatest loves in the world was cut to short.. mom is a strong woman, but I know that she hurts more then words can say. She doesn't ever really show it to us though.. for us she stays strong.

Mom always tells us that she hopes someday that me and my sisters find a love like she had.. I think she's right. It's kind of funny.. all of her girls have been single for most of our lives. We've all dated and had serious relationships.. but for the last ten years all of us have pretty much been uninvolved. I guess we're all waiting for someone who meets our standards.. rofl, we're pretty picky eh?

What it means to me...

I've been thinking a lot about friendship the last few days and having rather lengthy discussions with my favorite thinker over it.

To me friendships are forever.. if someone chooses to sever the relationship and walk away, that is their choice.. but unlike other people who would turn around and walk the other way if their friend did that.. I always have my arms open for people I consider my friend. You can hurt me deeply, walk all over me, make me cry.. but I'll still be there. Once I've let someone in my heart.. it's a permanent thing. I don't know HOW to let go, even when I should.. but that's part of what makes me different from most people.. and I'm ok with that.

Hate is another thing we've been discussing. Hate is a very powerful emotion.. it can eat at you until you're barely able to feel anything aside from it. Hate makes people do strange things.. it makes them become cruel and vicious when they normally aren't... it makes people forget that there is good in everyone.. and it makes people do things they regret. Everyone hates.. it's just a matter of deciding what you want to hate.. and what you're willing to just shrug off. I'm not saying you can't dislike other people.. I'm saying that instead of hating someone why not just move on from them and stop letting them have an effect on your life.. hating them gives them the satisfaction of knowing that no matter what you do, they are going to be a festering wound in your side.. let it heal.

Everyone has regrets.. sometimes they are big regrets and sometimes they are small. You have to make a choice of what you want to regret in life.. are you confident enough in your choices that they aren't going to come back and haunt you in the future? Not many people are.. there is always that doubt in the back of their mind. Should've, would've, could've.. don't let those things run your life. Make your regrets small.. and keep them that way.

Life is to short to live it in misery and grudges.. remember, you never get promised tomorrow. It's never a guarantee that you will wake up the next morning and be able to fix the things you want to fix.

To my friends.. I love you, I would hope that each and every one of you already know this. You can never hear I love you, or say I love you enough.. cherish those you do, and those who do you.

Into the deep...

I intended to post a deep one closer to Thanksgiving.. but since I'm thinking of it now, I'll go ahead and do it now instead of waiting.

Tonight we went to a tree lighting ceremony that Hospice puts on here every year.. they do a butterfly release in Summer and a tree lighting around Thanksgiving. We went to the butterfly one, it was a beautiful ceremony.. thought provoking and very emotional. When you first get there you give them your loved one's name (names) that have passed on, and they read them.. they also have a singer or choirs (the butterfly one had a singer, this one had choirs) that sing sentimental songs.. the butterfly one was "Somewhere over the Rainbow" and tonight's was "Love Heals".

Tonight's proved to be no different..it was thought provoking and emotional. The Chaplain read an essay that Christine Cleary had written.. it's titled "The Deeper Well of Memory", this part really hit home. "I believe there is a difference between memory and remembering. Remembering has to do with turning the oven off before leaving the house, but memory is nurtured by emotion. It springs from a deeper well, safe from dementia and the passage of time. "
You can find the entire essay here:
http://thisibelieve.org/offsite_links.php?link=http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=4538138

While they were reading the names off I heard someone crying behind us... I wasn't the only one who heard the crying as other people were looking around. One of the Hospice volunteers comforted this woman. I was ok until I heard her cry.. my heart broke for her. She had nobody with her.. was she this alone in the world since her loved one passed on? Does she not have friends or family? Maybe she wanted to be there alone.. maybe she didn't want to share her grief with her living loved ones. I don't know. I sincerely hope that she finds some peace in her life.

Now on to the thankful part of this blog.

Every year I do one of these type of things, usually on one of the boards I am on.. but this year I decided to do it in my blog. I make a small list of the people who have had some sort of affect on my life and write why I'm thankful for them. *If I don't put your name, it's not a slap in the face.. it's just that if I thanked everyone this post would be a million pages long.. so don't take offense, I am grateful for everyone in my life*

I am thankful for the years I got to spend with my dad. There are many people who don't have that opportunity and/or don't get along with their fathers.. and I am truly blessed to have had my dad.

I am thankful for my mom.. although we don't always see eye to eye and sometimes I grumble about her, she is my rock.

I am thankful for Jimmy and Rose.. they are my reason for living.

I am thankful for my sisters and my nana. They drive me insane, but at the same time we all need each other.. it's the smiles, laughter, and tears that makes me thankful for them.

I am thankful for Rich, he's been around for most of my life and through the ups and downs we have managed to maintain some sort of goofy friendship that is fueled by silly videos, jokes, and lots of computer talk (on his part.. sometimes I actually learn something new from him in those talks). I admire his strengths and the fact that he is striving to better his life for himself, and not for anyone else.

I am thankful for Jason, because through all the years he's been a constant. I know that if I really want to hear the truth, that I can ask him and he'll give me a no nonsense answer.

I am thankful for Brent.. we had a long time without contact, but it feels like it was just days and not years. He makes me smile with his Jeff Dunham addiction and his self proclaimed innocence... and the memories of Hobie and waterbeds.

I am thankful for Justin.. he's the biggest nerd I know and by far one of the best conversationalists (e-mailists?). He's a wealth of knowledge, has good taste in books, and always has some sort of quote or saying to go with every situation. I have learned a good bit from him about everything from hunting, guns, grades, pipes, and hillbilly stuff. :D

I am thankful for James... through the ups and downs and loopy de loops it's been an interesting ride. It's an addiction.. what can I say? Thanks for warming my heart. *SPORK*

Jamie, Autum, Twin, JamieAnne, Tish, SN, Larry, Amanda, Barbie, Preacher, John, POM, Wolfie.. the ones I talk/talked to the most from Myspace (well.. with the exception of the one above) I am thankful for ya'll.. I've learned quite a bit from all of you. The ups and downs and ins and outs of friendships.. the give and take.. the push comes to shove. Here's to the good and the bad.. cheers.

I am thankful for Deb.. she's like my second mom. She makes the most sense, even when she's not making sense (and that will make sense to her!).

I am thankful for JenS and her kids.. she's full of advice, some of which I take and they can make me smile. But Moooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooom! :)

I am thankful for JJ.. we did our time together, maybe someday things will be the same.

I am thankful for Travis.. yes, I am thankful for my ex. I know people are supposed to be all bitter and hateful towards their ex's (or at least that's what it seems like in today's world) but we've been able to put all that aside and still maintain some sort of friendship.

Last but not least.. I am thankful for all the people in my life, they make the world a nicer place.

This post is dedicated to my dad..

Dear Dad,
By the time I get all my thoughts out into words.. you'll have been gone for eight months. Life has been different without you.. in a lot of ways it feels like you're still here though. I think you'd be proud of how far we've all come since your passing. The Twidgets are amazing.. I think of all the people in the world that I know, they are the strongest. They haven't had an easy road.. watching everything that happened to you those years and then losing you. 'Course.. they have me, mom, Jen, and Star too.. and that helps. Mom and I are keeping each other laughing.. we laugh until we cry and can't stop laughing just about every day. We also try to keep busy.. gotten a lot done around the house and in the yard. The next big project for after snow season is building a roof between the house and the garage.. the screen room was nice, but it wouldn't have stood up to the snow and wind so we opted to build something permanent. Hopefully since we have more experience building things now it'll look better than the ghetto screen door we made for the barn.

I've learned quite a bit about people since you passed.. sometimes the hard way, but you once told me something like the hard lessons in life are the ones you remember the most. I often wonder if people even bother to look and see the real me, or if they just see what they want to see. I guess it's not really important.. if they can't open their eyes and see past what they want to see, then there isn't anything I can do about it right? Been a lot of people this year who are like that.. and.. sometimes I need to open my eyes more about people as well. People are kind of funny.. one day it's good, the next it's not.. and you have to wonder what the hell is going on. If you ask outright they get pissed, if you don't they get pissed.. it's a lose-lose situation. *sigh* I guess that's human nature.

I think you would get a kick out of the donkeys we adopted. One of them looks like Eeyore.. remember how I always wanted a donkey growing up? I have two now. I absolutely adore them.. they've both got so much personality.

A friend suggested that I look into grief support groups.. I took her advice and joined a couple of them. It's been interesting seeing the stories others share. I haven't quite gotten past introducing myself to them. It's hard for me to put into words what I want to say.. funny as hell isn't it.. me at a loss for words! I think part of the reluctance is that I hate having to go over and over and over and over again about your battle and death. It still hurts.

Oh yeah.. HAPPY BIRTHDAY DADDY! I know it's two days early, but who cares.

Love you.. miss you,
Me

A message for Anon

I posted a blog back in June about parents who don't spend time with their children and some coward posted anon that they found it funny I would talk about that.

1. I bet you didn't think I'd publish that post
2. I bet you didn't think I'd ever address it


Here's the thing Ms. Anon, you may think you know quite a bit about my family life, the twidgets, and so forth.. but the reality is you know very little about it. Your words don't hurt me.. it's like a little kid throwing tiny pebbles at a brick wall, no damage done.. but I'm sure you'll keep tossing those pebbles trying to make something happen.

If you want to respond to this, by all means.. do so. However I will not be publishing anymore anon messages. If you have something to say to me, have the guts to use your name.

A letter to my friends..

You know it's time to take a break from the Internet when it makes you more depressed each passing day. There was a time when I used to look forward to getting online to chat with my friends.. but now, it's like a chore. I'm like a therapist to a lot of the people I talk to.. and I'm getting burned out. I know I know.. I keep saying this, but it got to the point today where I almost said some things I might regret at a later time. So.. I composed this letter.

(this doesn't apply to everyone)
Dear Friends,
I realize that to YOU, your problems are the biggest thing in the world. But could you please quit acting like you're the only one with problems? Seriously.. I've got a lot going on myself, and some of what I have going on makes your problems look like nothing. Do me a favor.. if you can't do anything but whine at me, give me a break for a while ok? Try talking to me about the weather, music, animals, hunting.. or you know, maybe my life for a change. I'm not your therapist.. and I'm tired of playing that role. I'm getting burned out.. to the point where I'm about to just call it quits with most the people I talk to.

Before ya'll take this the wrong way.. I care about you. I really do. I don't think anyone is disposable, and I don't take friendships lightly. Most of ya'll should know that since almost everyone I talk to has walked all over me at some point.. but I'm still there when you need me. I've been there through the good times and the bad.. I've been there through medical scares, the loss of family/friends/pets, births, marriages, divorces, the beginning of relationships, the end of relationships, loss of jobs, finding new jobs, when you've been so damn confused you can't make sense of things, when you've been so happy you've had to share with someone or you'd bust. I've even stuck around when everyone else has turned their backs on you. I've been there for you when you've needed someone to listen. I didn't even get a friggin' break when my dad died.. a lot of you leaned on me then, and I didn't complain. Think about all that for a minute.. it's only been seven months since my dad has passed away.. seven months! That may seem like a long time to you, but to me these months have flown by and yes, it's still raw and painful. That doesn't stop me from being your ear to bend, shoulder to cry on, and therapist to help sort things out.

I recently joined a grief support group at the urging of a good friend (who has always been there for me and doesn't burden me with every one of her problems.. though I wouldn't mind if she did, because she doesn't consider every little thing an huge obstacle that can't be overcome) and I'm trying to deal with my OWN problems. I've got plenty of them.. and right now I need to deal with my own problems and not everyone Else's.

I'm sorry if this came out harsh or hurt any one's feelings.. but really, I just need a break for a while ok? You can have your therapist back in a couple weeks.. but for now I'm taking a vacation.

Love ya,
Amb


And on that note, I'm going to go to bed. I'll post more tomorrow. Night ya'll.

My enviromental ramble in honor of Blog Action Day

Hrm.. I signed up a couple days ago, but didn't find my blog listed there.. so I signed up again. Hopefully it'll list me on there soon, since I don't think that many of my readers are actually interested in the environment!

There are so many different ways people can help the environment, yet so many people ignore the environment. I'm not saying ya'll need to start freaking out about global warming and wearing shoes made of hemp and so forth. What I will say though, is take the time to think about the little things you can do to help the environment. 'Cause after all.. this is the only planet we've got until they start colonizing Mars and the Moon. If Earth dies, so do we.. and granted it won't probably happen in my lifetime or yours, but what we do now could make a significant impact on the future.

Do you recycle? Aluminum cans, cardboard, paper, plastics, etc. there are so many things that we can recycle that would keep them from taking up room in landfills, which means we'd have room for more trash in the long run. If everyone recycled, think how much waste we'd save.. not to mention if everyone started recycling things like paper, there would be less of a need for trees to be cut down for this purpose. 'Course, this only makes sense if people buy recycled products. I know a few people who won't buy recycled because it's "gross" for whatever reason.. I guess they missed the part where recycled material is CLEANED before used.

Consider a smaller car? Do you really need to be tooling around town in Hummer? Nothing irritates me more than seeing people drive huge SUV's when it's just them. Or the families with two SUV's.. that's just nuts.. granted they have kids, but do they need TWO? Why not a smaller car and a SUV? Bigger families, I can see using a smaller SUV or van.. but some of these vehicles are ridiculous. 'Course some of the smaller cars that are gas guzzlers aren't any better. Unless you're planning on joining NASCAR does it matter if your car can go over 100mph? I mean really.. how often do you get your car up to that speed? Which brings us to another point.. and I'm guilty of this one as well.. did you know going over 65mph burns more gas? I forget how much more gas it burns just going five miles over the speed limit.. but think about it, if you can save gas by going 65 instead of going like a bat out of heck.. isn't it worth it? That's something I plan to work on.

Be power friendly.. you don't need to leave the lights on 24/7, you don't need to keep things running when you're not at home to use them... keep the thermostat at 70-75 instead of super cold or super hot. The more power you conserve, the cheaper the bill as well. Think about it.. something that helps the environment.. and helps you save at the same time!

Water! I know that it doesn't seem that big of a deal, but it is. Think how many gallons a year you could save just by turning off the water while you're brushing your teeth. Out here we're paranoid about water because our septic tank had major issues when we first moved in (Thanks Mr. and Mrs. Murphy.. we appreciate having to fix your mess!). When the kids take baths we bail the water out into buckets and tote them to the trees outside. When we heat up water in the kitchen for washing dishes or whatever we catch the cold water in a gallon jug (hey, that's something ANYONE can do.. water your plants that way!) and water the plants around the house. Instead of turning on a sprinkler or drip hose we tote water from the faucet outside to the places that need it.. that way we're not watering weeds and things that we don't need to water.

Plant a garden! No matter how small. Live in an apartment? Get some small strawberry pots and plant things in there. The two years we've been here we've planted around 60 trees. We buy trees in late winter/early spring.. and we buy them in bulk and wind up sharing with the neighbors.. however they end up not watering theirs and they die. Our trees are doing really well. We also plant different kinds of flowers and veggies throughout the yard. It's hard work, but you know something? It's worth it to see how beautiful the yard is.

I'm rambling on and on. The point of this blog is supposed to be getting you to think about the environment. I hope that I've accomplished that.

Being different is ok!

You know what burns me? When people hate an artist/musician/actor/whatever just because it's the in thing to do. The whole "everyone else is doing it so I'll go along with it so as not to call attention to myself" bullshit is annoying. When did it become a bad thing to be yourself?!

A few examples:

My play list on Myspace has a lot of musicians and bands that other people don't like for whatever reason. Barry Manilow you have to be old or gay to listen too.. Avenged Sevenfold are "sellouts".. Fergie is "annoying" and so on. You know what people? I really don't care what YOUR musical preferences are.. I like what I like, and I like a wide variety of music. I find if amusing when someone who keeps themselves stuck in one type of music genre because they don't want to open their mind to other types of music because it's "not cool" or whatever picks on my taste in music when I listen to what I like and don't worry about trying to impress everyone else.

Clothes.. there are people who enjoy clothes and that's fine, more power to them. However when you're running out to buy the same shoes that some celebrity wore because everyone else is going to be wearing them.. that's kind of lame. Why be like everyone else? I don't get that. People talk up their uniqueness.. but they're just a carbon copy of someone else.

Chris Crocker.. now there is an example of someone who dares to be different and doesn't get a damn if people disagree with what he says. Ya' know.. when the whole thing with the Brittney video happened I admit I laughed, but then I got curious.. who was this person that was pleading so passionately for people to leave Brittney alone? I started looking for his videos on Youtube and Myspace.. and you know what, some of what he says has more wisdom than most people are capable of giving. I don't agree with 100% of what he says, but I respect him because he says what's on his mind.. and he is himself! Of course there are the people who hate him because of the Brittney video simply because they hate her.

Anyhow.. I just find it sad that people are busy trying to fit in and be liked by everyone instead of being themselves. Isn't it suffocating to be someone you're not?

Being different can be a good thing. Being yourself is the best thing you can do for yourself.

I guess I'm not that good anymore...

It's funny how time can change places and people.. this will probably get long.

Growing up in San Diego I remember thinking it wasn't that big of a city. The houses were pretty much all alike and almost right on top of each other. I remember we had the biggest backyard on the block and the biggest front yard.. course our house then wasn't originally built where it stands, it was moved from down the street to where it is now... 'course that was all done before I was born, I just heard about it. Lots of good memories in that house. I went by it the other day.. they had torn out all the plants save the big tree in the front yard. The privacy fence and quiet area were gone.. the pond was gone.. they tore up part of the porch.. it's a light yellow and baby blue color now.

Drove past Morse (my high school) the other day and it's changed too.. it's huge now. I thought it was big when I was going there! They've got a two story building now.. it's crazy. Bell (my jr. high) is pretty much the same.. but it seems much much smaller. Downtown San Diego is pretty much the same.. mom told me to expect it to be dirty, but it doesn't seem like it's changed all that much. Well.. I take that back it has changed drastically since I was very little. Gaslamp used to be a place people didn't really go because it was dirty and a "bad" part of town... now it's built up, lots of people go there. The trolley system has changed too.. it was interesting to ride it with Jimmy. Jimmy and I were discussing a lot of the changes that have happened when we were riding the trolley.. it used to be there was two lines the Blue line and the Orange line. The Blue line used to run from the border up through Mission San Diego (it went through Chula Vista, National City, San Ysidro, Old Town, Mission Valley, Fashion Valley, Linda Vista..) and the Orange line ran from Downtown to East County (it went through Gaslamp, Seaport Village, El Cajon, Santee..). Occasionally there would be the Green line which ran on special occasions like game day and went from downtown to Qualcomm stadium. Now there are three lines running permanently. The Green line which runs from Old Town out through SDSU to Santee, the Orange line which runs from Downtown to El Cajon (it doesn't go into Santee now) and the Blue line which runs from the border up to Old Town (it doesn't go to Mission Valley, the Stadium, etc.).

Hrm. People change.. regardless of what some people tell me, I will always believe that people can change for the better. It's nice to know that the past doesn't have to be held in a grudge.

San Diego has a lot of old friends and memories.. it's like a warm blanket on a cold night. I'm surprised how many memories and feelings just being back here has stirred up.

Why don't you lay your weapons down now...

I've been trying to keep it together all day... it hasn't been easy. It's been six months now without dad. I miss my dad everyday.. there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of him. Almost everything in my life reminds me of him... and some days are easier than others. It hurts like hell though that I really don't have anyone to talk to about any of this. All of my friends are usually to busy telling me about their lives and what not that if I mention dad it's like a two second conversation and then back to stuff about them. I suppose it's probably selfish of me to expect people who weren't close to him and really didn't know him to want to hear about him.. but damn it, sometimes I just want to talk about him and have someone listen without a sudden change in conversation. Maybe people are uncomfortable with hearing about him.. I don't know. It just makes me sad that everyone tells me I shouldn't bottle things up, and yet.. threes this. I feel like I almost have to bottle everything dad related up because nobody wants to let me talk about him. That hurts.

I've been in San Diego for 5 days now. Haven't done a whole lot.. I did see Sunset Cliffs and got some awesome pictures of them. There is a peace sign on a rock there.. it's kind of nice. Tomorrow we're going to see the Hospitality Houses in Balboa Park. Monday little guy and I are doing the all day trolley thing. We'll be going from one end to the other and so forth. Perhaps I'll get to see a few friends on that journey since I'll be in their neck of the woods.

The trip out was uneventful.. except me getting chosen randomly for secondary security. It wasn't so horrible. Just meant I didn't have to wait as long for Jen since she always has to go through secondary due to the leg brace. The flight itself wasn't so bad.. I'm still not a big fan of flying though.

I've got 20 days left in San Diego..time seems to go by pretty fast.

I suppose I should toss in some quotes.. my inbox is jammed full of them.

Just to be is a blessing. Just to live is holy. - Abraham Heschel

Mrm.. not really sure how to interrupt this one

Happiness is not a state to arrive at, but a manner of traveling. - Margaret Lee Runback

Interesting.. not quite sure how to interrupt this one either. Unless of course it means that happiness is not something you should look for because it's always there.


The way to happiness: keep your heart free from hate, your mind from worry. - Norman Vincent Peale

I wonder then.. is anyone truly happy? Very few people are able to not hate anyone or worry. I try not to hate but sometimes it's hard. I know plenty of people who say they could never hate anyone.. but they hate people like child molesters and such.
I like this quote.. and am half tempted to send it to a few people I know.
Just because you made a mistake doesn't mean you are a mistake. - Georgette Mosbacher

How very true. How many people are willing to throw away a friendship over mistakes. Funny how that works... as if they themselves are without faults.

Everything that has a beginning has an ending. Make your peace with that and all will be well. The Buddha

Hrm.. pretty self explanatory I think. As Star Trek put it.. "All good things must come to an end".

There is as much dignity in tilling a field as in writing a poem. - Booker T. Washington

Just what it says. There is no shame in what you do.

Friends are the sunshine of life. - John Hay

Indeed. They bring a lot of light, but they can also bring darkness... but usually in the end they can light the darkness again.

No man is rich enough to buy back his past. - Oscar Wilde

Indeed.. no matter how much money someone has, they can't change their past.

Art washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life. Pablo Picasso

True enough.. art is a beautiful thing and should be cherished.

It ain't over 'til it's over. - Yogi Berra

Simple yet true.. if you give up just because you think you're not going to win you never know what will happen in the end. Let the end be the end.

The web of our life is of mingled yarn, good and ill together. - William Shakespeare

Indeed.. you can't go through life expecting everything to be lollipops and kittens.

That's it for today folks.. if I don't blog for a few days it's because I'm in San Diego and enjoying it. :)

You are so beautiful to me..

The last few days I've been very immersed in thinking about the past... most people and things I wish I had done differently. Funny.. someone told me that I don't seem like I have any regrets, yet here I am. I guess it's not so much that I regret the way things happened.. but more of a I wonder what would've happened thing.

There is this wonderful guy who I know had feelings for me, and I for him.. but I let him slip away because I was too damn shallow to see what I could've had. He's everything that I want in a significant other. Awesome sense of humor, nerdy, talks about off the wall things, actually has interest in me other than sexual, remembers every little thing, and he's a good friend. I'm very grateful that I have him.. but sometimes I get a little sad thinking of what could've been. I don't regret the way things are... but I wonder what if sometimes.

I think about the idiot from time to time as well. Sometimes when I've gotten to talking to friends about their relationships and such and thinking how most people I know have someone special... I miss him. Not the guy that ya'll love to hate.. the one you hear all the bad things about. I miss the one who when times were good would hold me.. the one I could go to the beach with and we'd sit in silence and watch the ocean... the one who'd go on drives with me.. the one who knew that my favorite color was purple.. the one who for Christmas one year bought me an ID bracelet with my name on it... the way he smelled like an autoshop when he came home from work.. the way he liked to watch chick flicks.. how we could never agree on what kind of pizza to get but he'd give in and get the one I like.. the one who when times were good, they were really really good and we could make each other smile. I miss that.. and sometimes I wonder if I will find someone that will make me truly happy and that I can make truly happy.

I miss my old friends from high school.. I should've kept in touch better.

Most currently I am missing a good friend that I considered one of my better friends. I miss her.. and I hope that someday things can get back to where they were before. I think about her quite a bit and wonder if I should've handled things differently.

I miss logging into Yahoo IM in the morning and having a ton of friends on to chat with.

I miss him.. even though he decided to let me go. I wonder if he misses me too.

Lots of things I miss now-a-days.. it's making me feel rather blue. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that dad's six month anniversary is coming up and it's got me thinking a lot about life... and how I need to live it more instead of just letting it pass me by.

I just wish I had the courage to tell people how I feel about them...

Never say goodbye..

This may be a long and emotional blog..just to give you the heads up.

Today marked 5 months that dad has been gone. I think that as insane as my family drives me, that without each other we would all be lost. I've always joked that mom was our rock in shining armour wearing rose colored glasses. When dad's cancer was first discovered it literally left me breathless... how could that happen to such a great man? Why? I was angry.. still am, but less than before. Mom and dad were strong for us kids.. they didn't give up hope. Each time the cancer came back it was another blow.. and no matter what they were strong for us.. they never gave up hope or let us give up hope... they made us hold on to the little bit of hope we had. After dad passed mom has been there for us. She doesn't like people to see her cry so she tries not to in front of us. We understand that a lot of things are going to be different. People tell us it's good to see mom not grieving.. not grieving, because she hasn't gone into seclusion and given up on life? Dad loved life.. he fought hard.. damned hard to live. He went through painful procedures where most people would have given up. In the end the doctors decided not to let him fight anymore and took away his options. On February 17th dad went to the emergency room due to a bad bleed out.. they told my mom it was a matter of months.. on March 8th he passed away. We didn't get months, we got days.. and we tried to make the most of them, but as anyone who's lost a loved one can tell you no matter how hard you try it's never enough. He fought cancer for six long years.. he was on a feeding tube the last year of his life, he couldn't eat or drink.. he was without a voice the last year of his life.. he had a speaking box, and we've saved all his jokes he had programed into it.

I guess I'm feeling a little bit sad and angry today. I miss my dad like crazy and it seems like the day for pity parties. I've tried to put on a brave and happy face and deal with it.. but sometimes it gets to be too much. I think there is only one person I haven't snapped at today that did the "poor me" thing.

Yesterday was interesting. I got beat up by Blizzard. Lots of bruises and my head is sore, but I'll live. I will tell you this though.. there ain't NOTHING in the world that will make you realize what you have, than watching your life flash before your eyes and wondering if you'll get to see your loved ones again. I don't know how to explain it.. but after that there was this weird sense of calm that came over me. Perhaps things in life aren't as bad as the seem.. and from now on I am going to strive to be more positive for myself.. I'm already positive for others.

So I leave you with this little poem..

Words of Wisdom (dedicated to Dad 10/11/1944 - 03/08/2007 for all the wise words he bestowed on me)

I want to catch your tears in a bucket, and water my garden.. when the flowers bloomed, I'd think of you in a much happier way.
Though the roads may be rough, they don't always stay that way. Cherish the smooth ride, and when the bumps happen know they don't last forever.
Love those in your life, and hold them close..you never know when you'll need them. Never burn bridges that you may one day want to cross over.
Learn to ask for forgiveness and to forgive.. but never forget, the past can't be undone.. but the future is not set in stone.
Learn to accept that others have flaws, but also that you are flawed as well.. nobody is perfect.
Seek out wisdom, and learn from it.
Cry never fixed anything.. but it does help the soul.
Words left unspoken will never be heard.
Live your life to the fullest, you only get one time to go around.

In the end it doesn't even matter...

Life is like a piano. What you get out of it depends on how well you play it. - Unknown

Too many people in this day and age are spoiled and think that things should come to them regardless of how little they put into life. It's all about how much money people have and what they can buy. People are to wrapped up in the small amount of happiness that material things can buy that they often forget about the happiness in life that doesn't come from material things.

Family. While there are people who don't have the privilege of having a close family.. there are those who have family but tend to let them fall by the side. In San Diego we really didn't spend a whole lot of time together.. we all had our own things going on and what not.. we did spend some time together though. Here in Colorado it's different.. we spend a lot of time together working in the yard, doing projects around the house, taking care of the animals, and just sitting outside on the porch watching the sunset. It's strange how these little things can make a world of difference.. but I feel blessed since all this enabled me to spend more time with my dad. And it also has helped bring me closer to the kids. I was close to them before.. but now it's like a whole new side of them I've seen. I wouldn't trade all the hardships we've had here for anything in the world.

Friends. True friends will tell you the truth even if it hurts... they'll have your back even if they don't agree with you.. they'll love you regardless of mistakes you make.. and they will always be there for you when you need them. I hate when people tell me about their friends and they are always trying to buy people's affection. True friends can't be bought.. and the ones that can be bought aren't worth the time, effort, and money.

Love. Many people look for love... and they're in such a hurry to find it that they accept the first person that falls in their path. It's a shame that so many people haven't experienced love but rather mistake lust for love. If they would take the time to find love, they might be happier.

Happiness. If you an unable to be happy without someone in your life, than perhaps you should work on that rather than trying to find someone. It's not fair to depend on someone else to make you happy. I'm not talking "oh look, I got this shirt on sale" kind of happy.. I'm talking about the "yeah life may not be what I want it to be, but at least I'm living and can do things to change it" happy.

Cutting this short for today.. I'm tired as heck and I'm going to go to bed.

Reflections in the pond of life...

Dad has been gone for 142 days now... I used to have it down to the hour, but I finally stopped that after the 100th day. I think about Dad each and every day.. some days it feels like he's been gone for an eternity, some days it feels like it just happened within the last few minutes. I'm still angry that the doctors took the choice to continue the fight away from my dad. Part of me understands.. in order to continue there would have been an ugly war and lots of sacrifice... but it should have been HIS choice, not theirs. They gave up on him.. and that makes me bitter. How long would we have had with him if they had allowed him to fight? Even one more hour would have been a blessing. My dad was a proud man.. a strong man... he loved his family, his country, and his friends. There have been many times when I felt like giving up and he told me to keep going. I miss his smile.. I miss his laugh.. I miss how he would crack jokes.. I miss how he listened.. I miss seeing him in the backroom putting puzzles together.. I miss everything. I know though, as much as it hurts.. he wouldn't want me to be sad. My heart aches deeply for him.. and that will never go away. Over time though I am sure that the ache will grow dull.

I had a beautiful blog about life lessons over on my Myspace blog.. but I wiped out my blog in a fit of sadness. Ah well.. another life lesson learned there, don't delete unless you're sure.

A few things I've learned in life:

Love, is a beautiful thing. It's a shame that people take it for granted, use it, and abuse it. Love can be delicate, like a glass figurine perched high on a rickety shelf.. bump it and it could crash and shatter into a many pieces. Love can also be strong.. like a steel post, it can withstand quite a bit. Love should be cherished and treated like the treasure it is.

Friends can amaze you and disappoint you.. they're people and expecting the impossible from them will only set you up for sadness and anger. Accept that they will make mistakes.. and be amazed when they are there when you make mistakes.

Sometimes you have to hurt the people you love in order to help them.

Forgiveness is a wonderful thing.. if you can't forgive, you haven't moved past it yet. Forgiving is not forgetting.. you can forgive someone but remember what they have done.

Holding on to bitterness and hate will only make you less of a person.

Live your life to it's fullest.. tomorrow is never promised.

Help those you can help.. and accept that you can't help everyone.

It's ok to cry.

Learn to love yourself.. if you can't love you, how do you expect anyone else to love you?

If you allow yourself to be made into a doormat, don't be surprised if people wipe their feet on you.

There are a lot more.. but I'm to tired to put them down right now. :)

The ant and the rubber tree plant..

So while I was waiting for my ride yesterday I got to watching some ants (what can I say.. they fascinated me). Someone had dropped a cracker or chip on the ground and the ants were doing their best to take it back to their place. One ant was busy dragging this piece away that was twice the size of it's body.. it could barely move it, but it kept on trying. Occasionally another ant would come up to it and start tugging right along with it but eventually it would leave and this ant would again be by itself pulling it's treasure by it's lonesome. I watched for ten minutes and it amazed me that this ant could have given up.. it could have went off to try to find something smaller and easier to pull, but it never did. It stuck with it.



People always tell me how hard things are in life.. and how they should give up. Hell, I'm guilty of that myself. But here's the thing.. if you give up just because the going is tough than you may miss out on the benefit of having the whole chunk of cracker as opposed to just a tiny bit. Funny how watching insects that people would normally step on without any consideration could make me have a somewhat deep thought.

Time heals all wounds...

One half of knowing what you want is knowing what you must give up before you get it - Sidney Howard

I wonder if people ever stop to think that what they want could require some sacrifice on their part. All to often we want things, but don't want to give things up for them. 'Course often times people think "want" and think things like becoming rich and famous. To me want is things like wanting to better one's self, wanting to be happy, wanting to be in love.. all these require a person to give things up. You want to better yourself, you have to give up whats holding you back. You want to be happy you have to give up the things that are keeping you from being happy, you want to fall in love you have to give up the things that are blocking that. It sounds really simple..but it all makes sense if you think about it.


It's not the years in your life but the life in your years that counts. - Adlai Stevenson

Indeed! Live your life.. don't go through life wishing and waiting, make things happen. Don't always put off things. Be happy! You only get to go around one time.


One of the greatest problems of our time is that many are schooled but few are educated. - Thomas Moore

Just because you have book smarts doesn't mean that you know everything there is to know. Often time life's lessons don't come in a book.


Everything that has a beginning has an ending. Make your peace with that and all will be well. - The Buddha

I love this one.. it's kind of along the lines of all good things must come to an end. Nothing lasts forever, not even redwood trees. Live in the moment and enjoy what you've got.


Don't judge each day by the harvest you reap, but by the seeds you plant. - Robert Louis

This one really makes me think... it's not what you get back, it's what you put into it. If you only give a halfassed effort, don't expect to get much back. Be proud of what you do, rather than proud of what it gets you.


The glow of inspiration warms us; it is a holy rapture. - Ovid

Yes! What is life without inspiration? All art, music, books, etc. are born from inspiration... the world would be a sad and dreary place without it.


The way to happiness: keep your heart free from hate, your mind from worry. - Norman Vincent Peale

Truer words have never been spoken.. it's hard to do though.


Joy is not in things; it is in us. - Richard Wagner

How many people look to material things for happiness? Granted that these things can make one happy.. but that happiness doesn't last.



I love quotes.. they tend to be though provoking and fun. Everyone has a different take on what they mean, so it's always interesting to hear what other people's thoughts are on them.


Didn't get much sleep last night.. had a lot going through my mind. Life has a lot of ups and downs, life a roller coaster.. you never know what is around the next corner, but it's the thrill of finding out that keeps up on it.

Even now when I come shining through...

Some people just should not have pets.

There is a family down the street, awesome people.. but they refuse to get their cats fixed. These are all stray cats that they've adopted.. which is great, but they don't get them fixed! I know that it can get expensive, but there are a lot of places that spay/neuter for fairly cheap.. heck there is even a feral cat place that will give you the trap, you bring the cat in to them with the trap, they fix the cat and give it a vet check and shots, give the cat back to you and you release it where you caught it.. and they do this for free or a small donation. I HATE when people keep contributing to the problem.. you only have to go to any shelter to see that there is an overpopulation problem!

The family across the street are nice enough people.. but they let their dogs run loose. Our area is zoned a "free range". The dogs can run loose, but people can also kill the dog if it comes on their property. These dogs run in the street after cars, have gotten in fights with dogs people are walking on leashes, etc. Another neighbor has already taken a shot at them. It's sad.. these dogs may get killed, maimed, hurt because their owners are to stupid to build a fence or keep them chained.

I won't even go into the cats and dogs that are eaten by the coyotes. People just leave their animals out to fend for themselves and they get eaten. It's rather sickening.. ever hear a dog scream when it's being eaten? Not a sound you're likely to forget.

Pets are a responsibility.. they can't go to the cupboard to get their own food or turn on the faucet to get their own water. They can't build their own protection and make sure they're safe at night. It's not fair to them when people get them and don't take care of them. Pets aren't disposable.. if you're not willing to take care of them 100%, DON'T GET THEM! And if you're not willing to learn how to care for them.. DON'T GET THEM!

I hate seeing animals suffer due to stupidity.


On to other subjects..

I can't stand when men say there are no good women out there and women say there are no good men out there. Open your eyes people! Quit looking for someone who looks like a model and get realistic... and no that doesn't mean date a troll.

Most the good men and women have been hurt by a bad ending to a relationship that they don't want to put their heart out there, you've got to work at it. But there are plenty of good men and women out there who just need the right person to come along. It takes time and patience to bring them around.


Trying to get organized for the upcoming trips. I've narrowed down the places I want to see in Chicago to nine places and things:
#1. Cancer survivor garden

#2. Architecture tour

#3. Chicago History Museum

#4. Museum of Science and Industry

#5. Shedd Aquarium

#6. The Field Museum

#7. The Adler Planetarium

#8. Museum of Contemporary Art

#9. Chicago Botanic Gardens


I've got to get people figured out next.. lots of people, little time.. have to figure out if I want to try and fit them all in this trip or make some wait until the next trip.

San Diego should be easy enough.. I'd love to see the Zoo, Oldtown, and the beach while I'm there. The people will be easier to figure out too.

Alright.. I'm going to quit for now, this may get way to wordy.

Into the darkness...

Just a few thoughts rattling around in my head tonight.
A friend and I were talking about how we might lose our jobs.. she got to grumbling and went off on a rant about illegal aliens and how they "steal" the jobs that honest hard working Americans would do. OK.. lets be honest with ourselves here. If they were jobs that honest hardworking Americans would do.. than why don't the apply for them?! I'm so tired of hearing that excuse as a reason to hate Illegal Immigrants.. and the whole "they're living off our tax dollars" thing. Granted there are a lot of them that utilize the government programs.. but there are a heck of a lot of them working and paying taxes, and they don't see a dime of their tax money when tax season rolls around because they're working illegally. That's free money for the government. They aren't mooching off the system and making life hell for people.. they're busting their butts trying to make a living and living with the threat of deportation over their head. Yes yes.. I know, they should come here legally. I agree, it would be a much better way for them to come here.. but since not everyone has the money and means to sit and wait for the documents and process they're going to come over anyway they can. Do you blame them? Life is a little better here.. and we take that for granted. The system needs to change and people need to quit whining so much about the illegals and start dealing with the bigger crises we have like the skyrocketing cost of gas, the ever expanding prison population, the environmental problems, the homeless, etc. things that demand our attention NOW. Solve THOSE problems and then you can move on.. and no building a bigger fence or making life hell for them isn't a solution.

I was on Enviro this evening and stupidly opened a thread about a chihuahua that had been dragged behind a SUV. The pictures were heartbreaking.. how can someone do that to something so defenseless? What reason could they have had? People who abuse animals, elderly, children, and people weaker than them make me sick. The poor dog is suffering.. and for no reason at all. It bothers me to know that this little dog may not live because of someones carelessness and stupidity. Life is way to precious and I wish more people could see that.

Mom has plans for a memorial rock garden for dad. She had a flagpole installed and at the base of it there is a plaque that reads "Proud Retired Veteran". We built a diamond with cement edgers and filled it in with white marble chips. We bought 14 rocks (one for each ship and station during his service) and we're going to paint the name of the ship/place he was stationed and the years there on the rocks. When they're done we're going to put some protective sealer over them and then place them in the diamond.. a memorial rock garden with a very personal touch.

A local gallery invited me to be part of their showcase in October. I have to submit 15 photos by the end of the month and they will pick 5-6 of them for the showcase. I'm having a hard time narrowing it down so I've asked my friends for help. So far none of them have chosen the same pictures! Which makes it even harder.. I may recruit some help from acquaintances next. Hrm.

I'm so ready for this week to be over.. it's been a fairly bad one. Bleh!

Click click boom..

Joy is not in things; it is in us. - Richard Wagner

How true.. we tend to look to things to make us happy rather than looking into ourselves for the key to our happiness.

A few things that have been on my mind lately.

Marriage and divorce. Perhaps it's just me, but marriage seems to be somewhat of a joke now-a-days. It used to be people got married and it was a "til death do us part" type thing. Now it seems like people get married more on a whim than because of love. It's insane! People get divorced like it's no big deal.. but it is. Most people can't be bothered with working out the problems in their marriage either. It's like disposable spouses.. this one has something wrong? Get rid of it and get another! Ugh.

People use the word love way to casually. I'm not talking about "I love those shoes" or "I love this pasta salad".. I'm talking about "I love you" or "I love her". It tends to start meaning a whole lot less when you supposedly fall in love over and over and over again. People like the idea of being in love so they try so hard to be. Personally I feel love is a beautiful and powerful thing that shouldn't be treated as carelessly as it is.

You know in life we choose our own paths. The choices we make, the things we do, how we act.. this all points us down our path. Some people choose the wrong paths.. they tend to be very selfish and not care who they hurt. It saddens me to know that there are people out there who get a kick out of hurting someone.. and then put the blame everywhere but on their shoulders. It's a shame that these people don't see what they do to others.. or maybe they do, they just don't care. Whatever the reason.. the path they choose is a dark, narrow, lonely one. It's possible to change paths.. but you have to want to.

Come and make it alright...

The past few days I have not been able to get warm. No matter how much I put on I am still freezing. Went to the doctors yesterday.. he of course wants a slew of blood tests. Got some blood work done last night, did a fasting test for diabetes this morning. Nice. I really don't want to know whats wrong with me. I'd rather stick my head in the sand and pretend it doesn't exist ya' know? There is so much crazy health issues that run in my family and I really don't want to have to deal with what some of them have.
I'm still anemic. Been that way as long as I can remember... I have to up my iron pills to four a day! UGH!!!!! I can barely remember to take one pill a day. I've been taking my vitamin religiously Monday-Friday... only because it's on my desk right next to the phone so it's the first thing I see in the morning when I get to work.
Bleh. I should find out Monday where everything stands. They want to do more tests to figure out why I'm anemic.. not sure about taking those yet.

A friend of mine read my tarot cards today. It was fairly interesting.. I don't really believe in that type of thing but it was thought provoking! I didn't write down the card names.. just what they meant and the position they were in.

Daily Lesson - Don't accept anything from yourself but supreme effort.
I don't push myself hard enough and I need to start doing that.

Challenges/Opportunities - What brings sorrow may also give rise to feelings of liberation.
OK, this one kind of stunned me. The way she explained it makes way to much sense. Dad's passing is the sorrow.. but it has given me the strength to leave. I've been on my own before but always really really close (like 10minutes away) to mom. The whole family has always acted like one unit.. and while that's nice, it's kind of suffocating. I need to get out away from it...as much as I love my family they drive me insane. Making the decision to leave, it kind of felt like the weight of the world was lifted from my shoulders. I don't know if it makes sense to anyone else.. but it does to me.

Situation (she asked about my love life.. go figure!) - The past holds clues to your immediate situation. Evaluate past feelings and compare them to what you feel now.
I've done a lot of thinking about people I've had feelings for in the past lately. It's funny that some of them still give me that warm fuzzy feeling inside, just not as intense as it used to be.. but some of them I wonder why I ever felt anything. People change over time I guess.. and so do feelings. She also told me that I need to take a look at the new people in my life and see what I feel for them. Hmm...

Near Future - Make yourself available to people and resources around you. Consider being a team player.
This ties into work. We have a new project coming up and it's being given to me. I'm going to have to learn how to play well with others so to speak since I'm going to need to get people's help every so often on parts of it. She also said (and this cracks me up) that I need to look to people who are "geniuses" like me. ROFL.. funny

and the Advice - Let the world see your skills and talents.
I'd love for the world to see my skills and talents, but I have to get more confident in them. I don't think I'm all that good, but other people do.. so I should learn to listen to them instead of my own inner voices that are negative.

See.. thought provoking isn't it? The last time someone did anything like this it was some loony old bat who stopped me on the street and read my palm. She told me I was going to die at 30.. and here I am 31 almost 32. Woot.

Someone switched my chair in the office again. I hate this one because it creaks and makes a lot of noise. :( Bleh.. I should go hunt down my old chair.

I always feel like.. somebody's watching me

A few random things today..

How can people not have time for their children.. but they have time to go out with friends and go party and so forth? I don't get it.. I know raising kids is hard and people deserve breaks, but seriously.. spend time with them! You never know how long you've got with them.. cherish each moment while you can ya' know?

Why do people have unprotected sex in this day and age when STD's are all over the place and they're getting stronger and more deadlier? Lets not forget the fact that there is always the possibility of pregnancy too! You would think people would take all this into account and start taking more precautions. Especially with as cheap/readily available that condoms are.. shoot you can get them for free at Planned Parenthood even!

You know what I'm tired of? I'm tired of being the only one who "understands". Sometimes this being there for everyone and being the person they lean on gets to be too much. I wonder if people even realize how much of a toll they can take on others when they dump all their baggage on them? I feel like a wise man at the top of a mountain.. people always asking questions and expecting me to have the answers. 'Course, there are people who won't lean on me at all because they know that everyone else does.. that's just as frustrating. They need someone, they know I'm there.. but they don't want to add to the burden everyone else puts on me. I think more often than not they don't realize that I'd welcome them leaning on me as it'd be different than everyone else.

You know what else I'm tired of? I'm tired of being "one of the guys" just because I'm not a girly girl and I'm easy to talk to. I know it's not meant to be a bad thing.. but still, it's like a slap in the face to hear it most the time.

Oh yeah.. and this Chris Benoit murder/suicide thing. Ya' know.. I don't know the guy so I can't pass judgement on him, but all the people who are acting like he what he did is excusable because he was some sort of "hero" and making all sorts or horrible assumptions about his wife and trying to pin the blame on her.. that pisses me off. Yes he was a great wrestler.. but what he did is not excusable and the blame doesn't lay with his wife. I can't fathom how someone could kill someone they love.. let alone their own child. I hope for the little boy's sake that he was out of it when he was smothered.

I better see a doctor 'cause I think I'm getting hooked on you..

A few quotes mixed in with random thoughts today


There is a time for everything - Thomas Edison

Indeed there is a time for everything. Most people aren't patient enough for that, myself included.


Happiness and love are just a choice away - Leo Buscaglia

So true. Most people are however afraid to take the leap though. Rejection, low self esteem, fear of knowing, etc. all these things hold people back. My biggest issue with making the leap is self esteem and fear of getting hurt. Not so much the rejection because that wouldn't bother me much.. it's the whole falling for someone and getting involved with them and the possibility of that being yanked out from under me should they find someone else. I guess that ties in to the self esteem eh? I'd almost rather ride an elevator up a skyscraper... and I hate small enclosed spaces and heights! I'm gradually getting over the fear of relationships and such.. it's going to take sometime though.


True happiness is not gained through self-gratification, but through fidelity to a worthy purpose - Helen Keller

Think about that.. and let it soak in. Nothing wrong with spoiling one's self from time to time, but there are things in life which make you feel accomplished, happy, and good that shouldn't be overlooked.


Finally joined the 21st century and got an MP3 player. Been having fun trying to figure out how to get the Itunes music onto it. What a pain in the rear. It's kind of nice though, I can store different cd's on it.. don't have to keep changing cd's and so forth. I think for Christmas I'm going to get the kids one of their own and fill it with music they like.

I'm thinking I may need to extend my visit to Chicago from 3-4 days to 6-7 days. So much I want to see while I'm there! I get more and more excited about this as the days go on.. :)

Patience is not my style..

Hmm.. where to start. I always love starting over anew with blogs. It's like buying a new house and trying to figure out where to set up the furniture.. OK, not quite THAT exciting.. but what little excitement I get in my life I'll take ya' know? Just to warn ya'll.. I tend to get long winded from time to time!

Today's inspirational message is:
Ability may get you to the top, but it takes character to keep you there - John Wooden

In life you can run into some very insensitive people, who are all about themselves and they don't care who they hurt or even notice they are hurting someone. My dad passed away 106 days ago (yup, we know how many days) so it's still brand new to us and we're learning to cope with it. The neighbor came down to visit the other day and told us that it was a "blessing" that my dad passed away because her daughter got to see what death is like. I was royally pissed off at first.. how dare they? How dare they say my dad's passing was a blessing for their own selfish gain! But the more I reflect on it, I'm not angry so much as I'm disgusted and saddened. These people were our friends at one point, but a lot has happened and well.. they aren't anymore. Always good when people show their true colors.. ah well, live and learn right? You can't let people like that bring you down with them.. the best thing you can do is walk away.

I'm fairly excited about some upcoming trips. I'm going to Texas in August to meet with some friends, I'm really jazzed about this one. It's going to be such an awesome trip and the people I'm meeting are wonderful and fun. I expect I won't ever want to leave. In October I am going to Chicago. I plan on moving there, hopefully by May of next year. My dad grew up there and it'd be nice to get in touch with his roots so to speak. My uncle is also there... hopefully I'll get to spend some time with him. I'd love to hear his stories about my dad's childhood. I'm hopefully also going to get to be able to meet a friend that lives there. I'd like to get in a trip to San Diego.. we'll see how that goes.

Anyhow.. I've rambled enough for my first post. :)

(Word.. how cool is that, I ran spellcheck and it came back with only four errors. Three of which Hmm., OK, and ya'll. I can spell.. WOOT)