Why don't you lay your weapons down now...

I've been trying to keep it together all day... it hasn't been easy. It's been six months now without dad. I miss my dad everyday.. there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of him. Almost everything in my life reminds me of him... and some days are easier than others. It hurts like hell though that I really don't have anyone to talk to about any of this. All of my friends are usually to busy telling me about their lives and what not that if I mention dad it's like a two second conversation and then back to stuff about them. I suppose it's probably selfish of me to expect people who weren't close to him and really didn't know him to want to hear about him.. but damn it, sometimes I just want to talk about him and have someone listen without a sudden change in conversation. Maybe people are uncomfortable with hearing about him.. I don't know. It just makes me sad that everyone tells me I shouldn't bottle things up, and yet.. threes this. I feel like I almost have to bottle everything dad related up because nobody wants to let me talk about him. That hurts.

I've been in San Diego for 5 days now. Haven't done a whole lot.. I did see Sunset Cliffs and got some awesome pictures of them. There is a peace sign on a rock there.. it's kind of nice. Tomorrow we're going to see the Hospitality Houses in Balboa Park. Monday little guy and I are doing the all day trolley thing. We'll be going from one end to the other and so forth. Perhaps I'll get to see a few friends on that journey since I'll be in their neck of the woods.

The trip out was uneventful.. except me getting chosen randomly for secondary security. It wasn't so horrible. Just meant I didn't have to wait as long for Jen since she always has to go through secondary due to the leg brace. The flight itself wasn't so bad.. I'm still not a big fan of flying though.

I've got 20 days left in San Diego..time seems to go by pretty fast.

I suppose I should toss in some quotes.. my inbox is jammed full of them.

Just to be is a blessing. Just to live is holy. - Abraham Heschel

Mrm.. not really sure how to interrupt this one

Happiness is not a state to arrive at, but a manner of traveling. - Margaret Lee Runback

Interesting.. not quite sure how to interrupt this one either. Unless of course it means that happiness is not something you should look for because it's always there.


The way to happiness: keep your heart free from hate, your mind from worry. - Norman Vincent Peale

I wonder then.. is anyone truly happy? Very few people are able to not hate anyone or worry. I try not to hate but sometimes it's hard. I know plenty of people who say they could never hate anyone.. but they hate people like child molesters and such.
I like this quote.. and am half tempted to send it to a few people I know.
Just because you made a mistake doesn't mean you are a mistake. - Georgette Mosbacher

How very true. How many people are willing to throw away a friendship over mistakes. Funny how that works... as if they themselves are without faults.

Everything that has a beginning has an ending. Make your peace with that and all will be well. The Buddha

Hrm.. pretty self explanatory I think. As Star Trek put it.. "All good things must come to an end".

There is as much dignity in tilling a field as in writing a poem. - Booker T. Washington

Just what it says. There is no shame in what you do.

Friends are the sunshine of life. - John Hay

Indeed. They bring a lot of light, but they can also bring darkness... but usually in the end they can light the darkness again.

No man is rich enough to buy back his past. - Oscar Wilde

Indeed.. no matter how much money someone has, they can't change their past.

Art washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life. Pablo Picasso

True enough.. art is a beautiful thing and should be cherished.

It ain't over 'til it's over. - Yogi Berra

Simple yet true.. if you give up just because you think you're not going to win you never know what will happen in the end. Let the end be the end.

The web of our life is of mingled yarn, good and ill together. - William Shakespeare

Indeed.. you can't go through life expecting everything to be lollipops and kittens.

That's it for today folks.. if I don't blog for a few days it's because I'm in San Diego and enjoying it. :)

You are so beautiful to me..

The last few days I've been very immersed in thinking about the past... most people and things I wish I had done differently. Funny.. someone told me that I don't seem like I have any regrets, yet here I am. I guess it's not so much that I regret the way things happened.. but more of a I wonder what would've happened thing.

There is this wonderful guy who I know had feelings for me, and I for him.. but I let him slip away because I was too damn shallow to see what I could've had. He's everything that I want in a significant other. Awesome sense of humor, nerdy, talks about off the wall things, actually has interest in me other than sexual, remembers every little thing, and he's a good friend. I'm very grateful that I have him.. but sometimes I get a little sad thinking of what could've been. I don't regret the way things are... but I wonder what if sometimes.

I think about the idiot from time to time as well. Sometimes when I've gotten to talking to friends about their relationships and such and thinking how most people I know have someone special... I miss him. Not the guy that ya'll love to hate.. the one you hear all the bad things about. I miss the one who when times were good would hold me.. the one I could go to the beach with and we'd sit in silence and watch the ocean... the one who'd go on drives with me.. the one who knew that my favorite color was purple.. the one who for Christmas one year bought me an ID bracelet with my name on it... the way he smelled like an autoshop when he came home from work.. the way he liked to watch chick flicks.. how we could never agree on what kind of pizza to get but he'd give in and get the one I like.. the one who when times were good, they were really really good and we could make each other smile. I miss that.. and sometimes I wonder if I will find someone that will make me truly happy and that I can make truly happy.

I miss my old friends from high school.. I should've kept in touch better.

Most currently I am missing a good friend that I considered one of my better friends. I miss her.. and I hope that someday things can get back to where they were before. I think about her quite a bit and wonder if I should've handled things differently.

I miss logging into Yahoo IM in the morning and having a ton of friends on to chat with.

I miss him.. even though he decided to let me go. I wonder if he misses me too.

Lots of things I miss now-a-days.. it's making me feel rather blue. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that dad's six month anniversary is coming up and it's got me thinking a lot about life... and how I need to live it more instead of just letting it pass me by.

I just wish I had the courage to tell people how I feel about them...